It has been five years since I had loved this guy. And for five years I keep on asking myself “How did I end up loving him? Was it because of the way he looks at me or because of the way he laughs over some silly things?” I don’t really but I am certain, he fills my heart with great happiness. Somehow, I wanted to tell him that I love him but every time I attempted to do so, I got scared that I might lose him. That’s why I decided to keep this feeling for myself.
He was my best friend and at the same time, he was everything I ever wanted. I knew loving him was a huge mistake. But there is nothing I can do about it.
I could still recall the first time we met. It was my first day in high school. I entered the room then there was a guy chatting so loud. It was unusual for a guy to talk that much and to laugh as if he’s the only person left in the world. He had a fair complexion and a pair of beautiful brown eyes. At first, I didn’t like him for he was a bully. Taunting my classmates, including me, became his pastime and to some extent, it irritated me a lot! I just hated him so much. Sometimes, I would write at the back of my notebook some stupid things about him. There was even a time that he accused me of taking my classmate’s money. It made me mad that I really wanted to punch him on his face and cursed his name a thousand times. Since then, I never thought of befriending him.
However, destiny had already set a plan that would eventually change my whole life. It was time for our Biology class, we were asked to be in the Laboratory room. All of a sudden my head started to ache. So I decided to stay in our room. I was alone, sitting and covering my face with my bare-hands. I sighed! I noticed someone entered the room but I did not mind looking who it was. A voice I knew asked, “Are you okay?” I replied, “If I’m okay I would be present in our Biology class. “ I know I was being rude to him but he just smiled. He sat beside me, put his soft fingers on my forehead and he gently massage it. I was shocked; I turned to him to ask “Anyway what are you doing here?” He was silent, and then he held my left hand pinching the tip of my tiny fingers. I was about to protest when he started talking; “Ssh! I think you need me now.” I was still in great shock at that time. And I also wanted to thank him. It was like seeing another part of him. He even shared to me some of his little secrets and told me about his greatest dream “to travel around the world”. And that’s how our friendship started.
He was my best friend and at the same time, he was everything I ever wanted. I knew loving him was a huge mistake. But there is nothing I can do about it.
I could still recall the first time we met. It was my first day in high school. I entered the room then there was a guy chatting so loud. It was unusual for a guy to talk that much and to laugh as if he’s the only person left in the world. He had a fair complexion and a pair of beautiful brown eyes. At first, I didn’t like him for he was a bully. Taunting my classmates, including me, became his pastime and to some extent, it irritated me a lot! I just hated him so much. Sometimes, I would write at the back of my notebook some stupid things about him. There was even a time that he accused me of taking my classmate’s money. It made me mad that I really wanted to punch him on his face and cursed his name a thousand times. Since then, I never thought of befriending him.
However, destiny had already set a plan that would eventually change my whole life. It was time for our Biology class, we were asked to be in the Laboratory room. All of a sudden my head started to ache. So I decided to stay in our room. I was alone, sitting and covering my face with my bare-hands. I sighed! I noticed someone entered the room but I did not mind looking who it was. A voice I knew asked, “Are you okay?” I replied, “If I’m okay I would be present in our Biology class. “ I know I was being rude to him but he just smiled. He sat beside me, put his soft fingers on my forehead and he gently massage it. I was shocked; I turned to him to ask “Anyway what are you doing here?” He was silent, and then he held my left hand pinching the tip of my tiny fingers. I was about to protest when he started talking; “Ssh! I think you need me now.” I was still in great shock at that time. And I also wanted to thank him. It was like seeing another part of him. He even shared to me some of his little secrets and told me about his greatest dream “to travel around the world”. And that’s how our friendship started.
He was a guy and talking to him was kind of strange. Awkward, as I used to describe it. As days went by, I discovered some things that we have in common. Because of the talks and chats we shared each day, we became best friends.
There are things, however, troubled me much. I did not like the way he grabs my hands or the way he laughs at me when I committed tiny mistakes. I even punch his nose when he suddenly hugs me, though the feeling was exhilarating. I did everything to ignore those things, still I did not comprehend why it made me so scared yet so alive.
If there is one thing I should be afraid of, it would be falling in love with my best friend. I already noticed that my feelings for him were slowly changing. I started thinking of him late at night and dreaming of him beside me. I know it wasn’t just a simple crush. I know it was something different, something that I never felt before, something so inevitable, a thing they call LOVE.
Hiding the feeling I had for him was not an easy task and denying the fact that I love him was another cumbrous job. It scares me to death to let him know. And though it’s breaking my heart into pieces, it’s okay. Keeping this unwanted feeling is a way better than losing him.
For a year, I managed to keep my feelings for him thinking that it would make me stay close to him. I may sound so desperate, silly and stupid too. I never thought keeping a secret over a year could bring so much agony.
The following months were some of the darkest parts of my life. He joined a Hip-Hop dance Competition which was the reason of our seldom talk. Because of it, he often sits beside other guys chatting about the practice they had. If only he knew how much I missed him. I felt so hopeless and I couldn’t contain the ache coming from my lonely heart. All I can do is to let my tears fall.
It was one fateful afternoon when I arrived home and saw him sitting in our terrace waiting for me. I was perplexed, I went up to him and asked “Yes?” I wanted to ask him so many things but I couldn’t find the right words. He just smiled and gave me a ticket for tomorrow’s dance competition. “I want you to be there,” he said in a low tone then left.
The day of the competition came. I was wearing my purple hooded-jacket. I hopped in his car and saw a bouquet of flowers. Is it for me? I thought. It was really awkward for both of us to be silent. So I started talking, “So, what’s up?” He did not answer instead, he just stare at me. After a while he said, “Did you miss me? Hmm?” I sighed and told him, “Yeah, I miss you. I think—“ I couldn’t finish my sentence. He turned to me and said,” I want you to meet someone.” For a moment, I was afraid.
When we arrived at the cultural center, I thought it was a night of dreams coming true. It was a night where I can prove that fairytales do exist. I was there, I saw my prince dancing gracefully from first to finish. I hope time would freeze so that it would never end. So many things I wanted to let him know. That he was the only reason why my heart keeps on beating. That he would always be my knight in shining armor. But most of all, to let him know that I wanted to whisper in his ears that he was the only guy I loved. I dropped off all my fears and decided to confess to him about this feeling I had hidden for so long.
Suddenly, the sparks went out, fairytales were now gone and dreams were blown away. I saw him holding his hands with a girl. They came up to me. He stared at me for a minute and told me that she was his girlfriend. Those were the most dreadful words I heard from him. I tried to open my mouth and found out that I lost my voice. I just couldn’t bear it. I pretended to be happy for both of them with a fake smile. When I arrived at home, I went to my room and cried all night. It was unbearable for me to know that he is now owned by another girl. I could feel my aching heart screaming and shouting. A feeling I couldn’t describe. The pain was like falling from a cliff for the first time.
Two days passed by, I was walking down the hallway when I saw him hugging her. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart. How I wish I was that girl. The one that would be holding his hands, the one that would be receiving those red roses and sweet chocolates, but even in my dreams it’s far impossible. When I passed by them I just smiled without looking because I was afraid he might see through the corner of my eyes the pain I felt. I tried my best to hide my strong feeling of jealousy.
Then time came when I decided to start avoiding him, ignoring his phone calls and text messages. Every time he would approach me I pretended to be doing something. I would not see him whenever he visits in my house. It was very difficult doing those things. Those months were tormenting but then it was the only option I had.
The last day of school came. I planned of transferring into another school. At that moment there was only one thing on my mind – I want to forget him.
When another school year started I concentrated on my studies. I joined clubs and organizations in my new school. I tried to keep myself busy but I have to admit that I still think of him sometimes. And even though loving him caused me great pain and suffering, I will always be grateful for I know God has a purpose for all of this. I will always cherish the day I started loving him for I learned some of life’s greatest lessons.
It has been five years, and I will no longer wait for him nor hope for his love but I would still be here to continue loving him in silence.
The following months were some of the darkest parts of my life. He joined a Hip-Hop dance Competition which was the reason of our seldom talk. Because of it, he often sits beside other guys chatting about the practice they had. If only he knew how much I missed him. I felt so hopeless and I couldn’t contain the ache coming from my lonely heart. All I can do is to let my tears fall.
It was one fateful afternoon when I arrived home and saw him sitting in our terrace waiting for me. I was perplexed, I went up to him and asked “Yes?” I wanted to ask him so many things but I couldn’t find the right words. He just smiled and gave me a ticket for tomorrow’s dance competition. “I want you to be there,” he said in a low tone then left.
The day of the competition came. I was wearing my purple hooded-jacket. I hopped in his car and saw a bouquet of flowers. Is it for me? I thought. It was really awkward for both of us to be silent. So I started talking, “So, what’s up?” He did not answer instead, he just stare at me. After a while he said, “Did you miss me? Hmm?” I sighed and told him, “Yeah, I miss you. I think—“ I couldn’t finish my sentence. He turned to me and said,” I want you to meet someone.” For a moment, I was afraid.
When we arrived at the cultural center, I thought it was a night of dreams coming true. It was a night where I can prove that fairytales do exist. I was there, I saw my prince dancing gracefully from first to finish. I hope time would freeze so that it would never end. So many things I wanted to let him know. That he was the only reason why my heart keeps on beating. That he would always be my knight in shining armor. But most of all, to let him know that I wanted to whisper in his ears that he was the only guy I loved. I dropped off all my fears and decided to confess to him about this feeling I had hidden for so long.
Suddenly, the sparks went out, fairytales were now gone and dreams were blown away. I saw him holding his hands with a girl. They came up to me. He stared at me for a minute and told me that she was his girlfriend. Those were the most dreadful words I heard from him. I tried to open my mouth and found out that I lost my voice. I just couldn’t bear it. I pretended to be happy for both of them with a fake smile. When I arrived at home, I went to my room and cried all night. It was unbearable for me to know that he is now owned by another girl. I could feel my aching heart screaming and shouting. A feeling I couldn’t describe. The pain was like falling from a cliff for the first time.
Two days passed by, I was walking down the hallway when I saw him hugging her. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart. How I wish I was that girl. The one that would be holding his hands, the one that would be receiving those red roses and sweet chocolates, but even in my dreams it’s far impossible. When I passed by them I just smiled without looking because I was afraid he might see through the corner of my eyes the pain I felt. I tried my best to hide my strong feeling of jealousy.
Then time came when I decided to start avoiding him, ignoring his phone calls and text messages. Every time he would approach me I pretended to be doing something. I would not see him whenever he visits in my house. It was very difficult doing those things. Those months were tormenting but then it was the only option I had.
The last day of school came. I planned of transferring into another school. At that moment there was only one thing on my mind – I want to forget him.
When another school year started I concentrated on my studies. I joined clubs and organizations in my new school. I tried to keep myself busy but I have to admit that I still think of him sometimes. And even though loving him caused me great pain and suffering, I will always be grateful for I know God has a purpose for all of this. I will always cherish the day I started loving him for I learned some of life’s greatest lessons.
It has been five years, and I will no longer wait for him nor hope for his love but I would still be here to continue loving him in silence.
